I'm passionate about philosophy, but after having my girls I'm even more passionate about Mommy Matters

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I Don't Know What To Say... "I'm Here?"

     So, life keeps getting more and more insane. The longer I'm alive, the less I know. Seriously. Squeeker loves to pull everything apart, no book is safe, no DVD CD untouched, and she can run now... she says, "Please" (sounds like peace) and "Thank you" (sounds like da-doo) often now, I'm raising such a polite destroyer.
    She really is incredible, I love it when she surprises me by figuring out how to open something new (even if it's also annoying), say a new word, use a new sign, use a new facial expression. I don't ever go a day without smiling. She is becoming an expert on pointing to her nose, and picking it, as well as a proficient animal noise maker, 'hee-haw' for a donkey is her newest one. Some days she refuses to eat anything except yogurt, fruit, and peanut butter sandwiches. At lease she's eating. We go out on new adventures everyday and she loves reading books, as well as throwing them... sometimes at my face and then runs away laughing.
      On a different note, Husband was offered a salary and benefits position as an associate engineer last Thursday. He has decided to accept it and will be starting June 16th on a new team, working on things that have to do with magnets and ultrasounds that I don't understand. Pretty cool stuff, yeah my husband is amazing. We are so happy and relieved, the journey to paying off our student loans has begun. It will be a rewarding and arduous one I'm sure.
      I have given up on having a separate writing/philosophy blog, I've been trying to do too much already. However, part of that too much, I have been working on a new blog with my friend: Folded Pages Distillery. This blog is freaking awesome, you should really check it out. We mostly write book reviews, but we also do book giveaways and go to local readings/signings and post about them too. It has been time consuming, but a lot of fun and a good productive hobby for me.

Folded Pages Distillery with Peter Heller (Dog Stars & The Painter)

 Folded Pages Distillery with Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl. (Beautiful Creatures series)

Folded Pages Distillery with Shannon Hale. (Austenland, Princess Academy series)

 Folded Pages Distillery with Ally Condie (Matched Series)

       Yesterday I went to a writing conference in Provo, called "Writers for Life". It was fun to go to and I learned a lot, I especially loved hearing from Lisa Mangum, Josi Kilpack, and Brandon Mull. The conference turned out to be informative in a surprising way though, It made me realize two major things: 1- I can be a successful published writer if I want to be. I have all of the tools I need, I know what to do and I love doing it. I just need to really want it and do the work. 2- I don't really want it or the work, not right now anyway. 
     After getting home and discussing the conference with Husband, as well as going over my notes and personal feelings about writing, I decided to pray. Basically I told Heavenly Father that I want to be a professional published author and also strive to be the best stay at home mother I can be. After telling Heavenly Father what I had decided and thinking about how all this would would mean for my future, immediate and otherwise, I began to feel anxious and ill. I got a bad feeling about that decision and decided to ponder more. After much thought and some more prayer I came to the conclusion that focusing the amount of time and effort into my writing that would be required for me to become publishable is just not what I should be worrying about right now. 
     A few incidents through out the day solidified this as I was meditating on it, there was a woman with a baby, she was walking up and down the hall trying to console it as it cried continuously. I found myself unable to think about the lecturer or my writing for the moment and my motherly instincts overtook my brain, saying things like, "The baby is hungry" and "Go fix it." Another odd experience was when I was on my way to the conference and trying to enjoy the idea of having an entire day away from home and Squeeker to dedicate to my own personal writing pursuits. Instead of feeling particularly happy and excited about this I became sad and suddenly wished I had Squeeker with me, that it would be worth it to not be able to read while riding the TRAX train as long as she was sitting with me.
      Basically, I already have a job. I'm a mom. I love writing, it's part of who I am and it always will be, but I can't get distracted from what's really important right now. I will still write ideas, pieces of dialogue, create characters and poetry, but I'm not going to think about the publishing industry or try to do too much by way of writing. I need to be there for my family, and I've decided that I can't do that enough or in a satisfactory way if I'm worried about revising my book, getting the ending just right, finding an agent or publisher, going to writing conferences often, traveling for book readings and signings, etc. I want to be the one who is invested in my children's lives a futures, the one who takes them to soccer, swimming, dance, piano, whatever and cheers them on everyday. This is my job and even though it has been very hard for me to understand and get used to, every time I pray about it I know that it is what I'm supposed to be doing. 
       One last thing to rant about: why do so many people in the world complain about how their parents weren't there enough, or didn't care in the right way, or weren't ever listening to them, but then they turn around and stigmatize stay at home parents, underestimating their impact. These people obviously understand the importance of a parent's investment in their children's lives, or the lack thereof, but they still think stay at home parents are lazy or uneducated or whatever, instead of encouraging them to continue because they are trying to be the parent who is always there, always trying to care in the right way, always listening. "What do you do all day?" Many ask me, I would ask in return, "What is your nanny or day care professional doing with your kids all day?" and "Why is it OK for someone to choose this as a profession and be paid for it, but it's not OK for people to choose this profession and not be paid for it?"
      Anyway, my own mother was a working mom and she was amazing. It can be done well and I don't judge those who do, I get it and that was always my plan too, but now I know that I can't do anything else. Not because I'm lazy or uneducated, but because it's my calling in life, I feel it above everything else.