How do you prioritize your life as a mother, or simply as a person? I have always felt like I have to accomplish a lot during the day, mostly because I get anxious when I try to sit and relax - leading me to always be doing something. However, this also ends up making me feel like I haven't quite accomplished enough as I slip under my covers to go to bed at night. There will always be at least one other thing I wanted to get done during the day.
When I was pregnant, and during the first few weeks after having Squeaker, I was able to let myself heal and rest. In the last couple of months, however, I have been on overdrive again. You might wonder why I haven't written on this blog in over a week if that is the case. Well, that is the conundrum I am often faced with. Unfortunately, this blog is pretty low on my priority list when compared to going on walks with Squeaker, cooking, cleaning, or spending all the time I can with my busy husband.
How is it, I often wonder, that I never feel like I have enough hours in the day to finish all that I want to do? Why do I have to put so many things I enjoy doing on the low end of my priority list and then not get to them for weeks? I love to knit, but haven't done it at all since I was pregnant, I always wish I could read and write more, I also haven't touched my guitar since before I was pregnant, and sometimes I really just want a bubble bath. I know that these activities are unnecessary and they are personal, selfish activities for myself, but I can't help but wish I had more time to do them.
I know I'm not alone here, but it doesn't really help thinking that all other mothers (and possibly people) are in the same boat as me, it's just depressing. Lately I've started to get angry at the fact that the only time I have to do what I want to do - for myself - is around ten at night when I'm already exhausted and I know that I need to go to bed because Squeaker will be getting up at six in the morning. Some of it is a matter of priorities, putting cleaning and other home activities before myself, but a lot of the time I look around my house and think that I wish I had more done in that department as well.
I believe that there is something magically misleading about how time works. When I was in school I would think to myself, "I can't wait until I graduate because I will have so much more time to do what I want to do." And when I was working I would think to myself, "If I didn't have this job then I would have so much more time." Not even that long ago I was thinking, "When Squeaker starts to sleep through the night I'll have so much more time to do what I want to do." Well, I don't go to school, I don't have a job anymore, and Squeaker is sleeping through the night pretty much every night (not counting teething nights), but I am working longer hours than I ever have before and feeling more exhausted than I thought possible most days. It just amazes me to think about how we trick ourselves into thinking that someday - somehow - we will have more time, but the truth is that we never will. The only time I have is right now, so how am I spending it?
Although I do still feel like I need more time to accomplish all that I desire to accomplish, especially when it comes to personal activities and goals, I can't help but also feel grateful that all of the time I have I am spending with my baby girl.
So, please forgive me if you notice that my blog is a bit bare, or my house has crusted food on almost every surface, if my writing is sub-par, or the dinner is take out tonight. I'm a mom, I'm raising a unique individual with needs and I'm trying to do all that I can, in the best way that I can. Isn't that enough?
Besides, I'll have time when my kids are grown up, right?